As I sat with for a moment in the stillness left from applying today’s lesson, I began to see a metaphorical picture of my mind; a brightly lit room filled with nothingness, just the clear and bright, colorless presence of my thereness. As I real-ized myself, I noticed, a tiny spot seemed to appear in my vision, per se… and I felt love for it, which seemed to invite some sort of compelling desired to look more closely at it. As I did, it seemed a whole set of things happened at once. This dot became like a portal of sorts to the world I seem to live in now with people and things…

At the same time, I began to look about me in the room I where the entry to the portal was, and all around me I saw what looked like a sophisticated computer system that hadn’t seemed to be there before, only the brightness… It totally reminded me of the scene in the Matrix movie where Neo sees ‘the man behind the curtain’, so to speak.

But it was my mind, my matrix, my confused state of unreality…

 Here’s what I’ve noticed. In the world this side of the portal, I find myself compelled by a habitual, repetitive compulsion to diagnose virtually every seemingly new or ‘different’ thing that comes into my life, stamp with approval or disapproval (good or bad), put a label on it, and then package it up nice and neat.

 It then goes into the matrix of my brain where it is stored in the endless microchip collective matrix of my ‘perceived reality… It is run like a computer system design for the sole purpose of never actually having to think at all. Although it appears investigative and analytical, further examination reveals that all these microchips are smoke and mirrors… “I get it. I see it. I understand… disappearing into nothing understandable at all...

 I simply can’t trust the assessments coming from the matrix of my ego mind,

Here’s what I think happens, the second I ‘go toward the light’, and suspend the myness of perception for the bright, clear awareness of light dawning my mind… the ego matrix does a grand reboot and jumps in quick and loud, baring its teeth and attempting to restore its reign...when I forgive and see things in the light, there is no throne for it to occupy… only sameness and love.

Can I stay for the long haul?

 The Course tells us that we what we think we are experiencing is really a backwards replay in our minds through fear to love. So if I’m feeling terrified at times, it is the normal reaction to the rewind experience of being separate and alone. The course also tells me that what I have considered my major successes have been nothing, merely deflection and delay tactics. Where as, what I considered my primary failures have really been my greatest successes.

 I really just don’t know a thing… 

How trippy…. It just keeps getting more fun. I don’t know about you but I sort of look forward to those absolute dis-illusionment moments when I empty out and recognize I don’t know, I don’t understand, and I don’t need to. In fact, my understanding is not required for me to fulfill my function in God’s plan for salvation. It is wholehearted acceptance of the Atonement for myself and my little willingness that opens the way for the Holy Spirit to work through me. As a matter of fact, when I merely follow the way appointed for me, releasing my agendas, the more free, happy and at peace I feel … I simply do not understand anything I see… and maybe that is just right.